Part 9: Respecting Your Body: Based on the book "Intuitive Eating Workbook"
Remember, respecting your body means treating it with loving care, independent of your size or weight. Unfortunately, people often continue checking their bodies in other ways in order to measure if they’re “good enough”: Some people, for example, keep a pair of pants in the closet that are pulled out to “measure” if weight has changed. If the pants are tighter, it can engender the same negative feelings that they would experience if they saw the number on the scale go up. You can combat this kind of measuring by wearing different clothes each day, so that you don’t create a muscle memory of how any particular pair of pants feels. Some people check out mirrors in elevators, dressing rooms, and gyms, and just about anywhere else a mirror can be found. This mirror checking only perpetuates the judgment people hold about how they measure up to the illusion of a perfect ideal body. Putting that much attention on your appearance only skews your broader sense of yourself and the whole spectrum of your attributes. Another healing experience is to box up the clothes that are associated with dieting and that no longer fit. If you’re not ready to throw them out or give them away (especially if they have sentimental value), you can put the box in the back of your closet or in the garage. Later, when you feel ready, you can get rid of them. Since you bought the clothes when you were trying to lose weight, they will likely not fit your normal body size, which is maintained through eating intuitively and healthy activity. Remember, part of your commitment to this process is to rid yourself of the diet mentality. Holding on to these clothes keeps you stuck in the fantasy that comes with every new diet. Letting go of these clothes will be liberating. When you open your closet door, you won’t feel that pang of despair that you feel when you see clothes there that you know don’t fit. The flip side of throwing out your old diet-tainted clothes is to keep, wear, and occasionally buy only clothes that fit well and are flattering. Wearing clothes that are too tight only makes you uncomfortable and doesn’t show respect to your body. This goes for underwear as well. Tight underwear may feel as if you’re wearing a straightjacket. Tight clothing makes you feel closed in and trapped, and sometimes you can’t even take a deep breath. Begin by packing away any clothing that doesn’t make you smile when you look at it; that you know fit you only when you were at an unreasonably low weight from dieting or illness; and that may fit but is either unflattering, stained, or ripped. Now that you have removed your uncomfortable clothing from your closet, it may be time to buy some new clothes. There are some steps that will help make this experience a success: Choose a day of shopping when your emotions are either neutral or positive. Start by taking some clothes off the rack—some jeans, for example—in a range of sizes. In the dressing room, turn your back toward the mirror, so that you’re not looking at it. Try on one of the pairs of jeans you have chosen. Stretch, contort, wiggle, and sit in them. If these jeans don’t feel comfortable, take them off, without looking at the mirror, and try on another brand or size. If—and only if—they feel comfortable, turn and look in the mirror to see if they pass your style test. If you find a pair that feels great and passes your style test, then go right up to the register and buy them. The point is to buy clothes based on how they feel. If they fit well, you won’t go around tugging at yourself and feeling uncomfortable with something you think looks good but doesn’t feel good. A powerful sign of self-esteem is the ability to maintain an autonomous sense of one’s self-worth. Appreciate the myriad of values that are truly yours—the gifts with which you were born. Practicing and refining your talents, and acknowledging the work you have already done to learn and grow, all show a sense of self-respect. Comparing yourself to others leads to unnecessary suffering, which engenders feelings of superiority or envy. Rather than comparing, start appreciating your unique qualities that have nothing to do with appearance. The problem of comparing yourself to your friends and peers extends to the focus on the body. Who has the best hair, the smoothest skin, the strongest muscles, the longest legs, or the smallest waist? We make these judgments about our bodies by regularly checking out friends, relatives, actors, models, and just about anyone you see on the street. This attention on others is the surest way to remove you from your own special qualities. It also keeps the focus on the external, and pulls you away from your true meaning in life. Observing another’s body also makes an assumption about how that person achieved that body. If one is looking at thinness, there’s no way to know if that person has a physical disease that causes weight loss, has an eating disorder, or simply has a hyper-fast metabolism. Concluding that you could achieve that same body precludes these unknowns, as well as the science of your genetic blueprint. All in all, comparing yourself to others is the surest way of making you feel bad about yourself. This practice acknowledges that you might be feeling truly uncomfortable in your physical body. But rather than staying stuck in this sensation or identity, it’s important to remind yourself of some of your other qualities that you value that have nothing to do with appearance. Use a neutral, nonjudgmental description of how you are physically feeling in your body. Don’t use loaded words like puffy or flabby, which can impose a moral judgment on you. Instead, use words such as uncomfortable or challenging, which acknowledge the physical sensations without playing into the hand of societal expectations. For example, I am having a difficult body day, or I feel physically uneasy in my body today. Add and to the above description, and then add three things you admire about yourself (refer to your list of personal qualities above, if you need to). For example, I am having a challenging body day, AND I am a good listener, a great teacher, and a hard worker. Envy is a normal human emotion. It arises when you see someone who has something that you perceive you don’t have. You believe that if you had it, your life would be much better. It’s likely one of the most difficult emotions to bear. Often when people choose to compare themselves with others, they do this in the hope of finding something they can criticize in the other person. This gives them a temporary sense of superiority as they put the other person down, while elevating themselves in comparison. Thus, the feeling of envy is momentarily avoided. Paradoxically, a switch quickly happens, and they begin to focus on some quality that the other person has that they covet. Envy immediately emerges, and it’s likely that they feel even worse despair when they conclude that the other person is actually “better” than they are or has more than they do. Regardless of how you feel, remind yourself that envy is a normal emotion. When you become comfortable accepting this feeling, your desire to act out against it—by putting someone else down in order to bring yourself up—will diminish. You won’t get the immediate rush of superior feelings that emerge, but you’ll avoid the potential to crash afterward. Again, direct yourself to feelings of gratitude for your own personal gifts and values. One of the most disrespectful behaviors in which you can engage is negative body talk or body bashing. It is painful and sad to hear someone tearing down her or his looks, physique, weight, size, or height. People who would never say anything nasty to a child or a friend or acquaintance—even someone who is not close to you— will say horrific things to themselves. (Side note—we have heard some frightening tales of people who have been degraded, criticized, and judged by their parents, siblings, or partners. These are instances of emotional abuse and need to be addressed with a trauma therapist). All in all, practice and respect yourself. It is the most important practice for your self worth and your mental health.
